The universe is dualistic. Dualism implies there are two parts: good and evil, yin and yang, spirit and matter, black and white, love and fear. To live in the light you must understand the darkness, when you are in darkness you have experienced the light. Love and fear are the only emotions we really experience, with all others being a subset of love or fear. The components of love are joy, peace, tranquility and compassion. But pessimism, depression and anxiety belong to fear. You can not have both. If you feel peace, you can not feel anxious. If you feel depressed you can not feel joy.
Fear and love do not coexist, they are mutually exclusive. When you are fearful you are not truly experiencing love and if you are experiencing love, your fears are gone. Love is light, and when we live from that place of love, we are living in the light.
And the same holds true with your relationships. In your romantic relationships, or any other relationships for that matter, are you dwelling in a place of fear? Or love? Do you find yourself doing things or worrying about things that you normally would not do? Do you over analyze everything he says and does? Do you have a good time together but wonder if he REALLY is having as good a time as you are? Do you constantly look for reassurance of his feelings? Are you threatened by every female he comes into contact with? You are not reacting upon your feelings of love for him, you are reacting to your fear of losing him. For whatever the reason, good or bad, you fear that when put to the test to prove that he really loves you, he will fail miserably. So what do you do? You try and remove all the tests, or you may even test him yourself. Does any of that really do any good? Does it help you alleviate your fears? Not really. What it does do is keep you in a place of fear, and your relationship is no longer based upon love, but fear of losing the one you love/fear.
Let’s say you met a guy named Steve and things have been going well between the two of you. You may find yourself looking for clues that he may not be what he seems, and think he may be less than honest even though he has given you no reason to think that. You may be holding back your own feelings because you are afraid he is not developing any, and decide to appear more aloof. You don’t ever initiate anything because you don’t want to make a fool out of yourself if he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. Then, one day, Steve tells you this is not working for him, and he thinks you should part ways. He tells you that you seem to lack chemistry and a connection and he doesn’t think the relationship will go anywhere. A part of you is thinking “I KNEW IT”, but when he goes on to explain that he thought you didn’t like him because you did nothing to show it you realize your FEAR just screwed up the whole thing, not STEVE. You were so afraid to put yourself out there, take a chance, and show him you liked him. What you wound up doing was making Steve think you were not really into him and never would be, and you made your fears a reality because now Steve is convinced you two are not right for each other. Your fear just lost you a potential relationship.
Some fears are healthy in relationships and other areas of our lives. If you really love someone, you should have a rational fear that you could lose them if you do obviously stupid things like cheat on them, steal their money, or run their mother over with a tractor. We should all have a healthy fear of losing the things that we value and make us happy. But what about the fear of losing things that are essentially worthless? Sounds stupid doesn’t it? Who would have a fear of losing something worthless? You are not worried late at night and losing sleep because someone may steal your garbage are you? No. But when it comes to relationships, people are afraid of losing either something they don’t really have, or something they shouldn’t want in the first place.
Time and time again we have heard someone say “He is so mean to me, he says terrible things and calls me horrible names, does nothing for me only takes from me, cheats on me, disrespects me, has no time for me, blah blah blah”. When their reading reveals what they need to do to change it or that they need to let go, we often hear “But I am afraid of losing him”. Excuse me, why would you be afraid of losing such a hideous relationship? Why would you even want it in the first place? Shouldn’t you be afraid of remaining in that relationship more than you should be afraid of losing it? What are you really afraid of? Being alone? Starting over? Admitting you wasted time and made mistakes being with this person? Either way, you have to deal with that fear because it is getting you into and remaining in relationships that are making you miserable.
Fear can make us do smart things, but in relationships, more often than not, fear makes us do really really REALLY stupid things. In real life, if you are on a boat and see a dorsal fin of a shark, your fear should keep you from diving in and getting eaten. This is where fear is helpful. But when your fear of losing someone causes you to wake them up at 4am, the night before their big meeting, because you need to talk about your feelings RIGHT NOW or you decide it is time to pick a fight, your fears just made you an imbecile. Fear makes people do stupid things like check the dark basement armed with nothing but a flashlight when they hear a loud noise resembling a monster or intruder.
It is the same in relationships, because fear makes people do things that often make their fear a reality, or a bigger nightmare than they could imagine. We have spoken to many clients who have put themselves into a state of financial ruin because of fear. For example, let’s say the one you love counts on you financially. The relationship itself sucks, and they treat you like crap, but when they need money for rent or their cel phone, they come to you. They make you feel that if you do not help them financially, the relationship will be over. Your fear of losing the relationship has you forking over your hard earned cash in an effort to keep it. Now, if you are going to buy something, don’t you look at the price and see if it is really worth spending your money on? If you are paying for a man to stay with you, shouldn’t you be getting your moneys worth? If he treats you like crap and you are paying his bills you are getting ripped off my friend. He should be treating you like gold, not like garbage. You can’t buy someones love, and if you try, you should see right away that it doesn’t work.
When we feel insecure, lacking confidence and have abandonment issues, we do not make the best romantic partner. When you project joy and tranquility you give off a vibe that is much more attractive than someone who is pessimistic and depressed. When you project joy (and l therefore love) you walk with your head up, you smile, you are kind if someone accidentally runs into you in the grocery store, for example. When you are in a negative space (or in the place of fear) you walk with your head down and ram every man woman and child who gets in your way in the produce department. Would you want to date someone who is depressed, insecure or without confidence? Wouldn’t you rather date someone who is happy, confident and self assured? (and we do mean confident, not to be confused with egotistical).
If you ask a man what qualities in a woman he finds repugnant and repulsive as opposed to attractive, you may hear things like “needy, clingy, psycho, immature,and drama queen”. All of those qualities come from a place of fear. Only a woman who is afraid is needy, clingy, psycho, immature or a drama queen. Jealousy can be normal and not affect a relationship in a negative way, it is only when major fear is added does the jealousy get out of hand and ultimately ruin the relationship. Your jealousy comes from a fear of losing him to another, but acting over-the-top due to that fear can run him right into the arms of another woman.
We talk to so many people who are in good relationships but their own insecurities, low self esteem, abandonment issues and other fears and phobias, can actually prevent the relationship from growing. If you are stuck in this place of fear, how can the love you have in your relationship grow? It can’t, and it won’t. Our challenge through all of this is to work on ourselves working through our fears, phobias and insecurities, so that love can grow. By releasing your fear, you release your death grip on the energy of the relationship. Of course we understand you love him and want to be with him, but if the fear of losing him is stronger than the love you have for him, you are living from a fear based perspective. All you will manifest from this position is more fear. And that fear will more than likely bring the relationship to an end. If you feel you can’t live without someone you are operating from place of fear. If you feel you need to control someone or the relationship you are coming from a place of fear. We realize you love him, but your fear is the very thing that is pushing him away and creating the disharmony in the relationship. Address your fear. Face it head on. Now this is not an easy place to get to, but when you can do that, love comes in and takes over because you love yourself more than you fear losing the dude. You may love him, but what about loving yourself?
If fear is ruining your relationship take all the focus off the guy, and focus it on yourself instead. Love Yourself. If you love yourself, there is no room for fear in the relationship. It is time to defeat fear and kick it in the butt, once and for all.
People can also manifest fears when it comes to their work and job situations. You may have always felt the desire to work for yourself, or to pursue a career dream or goal. Your fears of failure may keep you from even making an attempt. The excuses you use to stay at a job you hate simply for a paycheck are really enabling you from facing your fear, and taking a chance instead of being too afraid to try. Many people finally found the courage to face their fears, and did so because of a traumatic event. Because they had lost everything or hit rock bottom, they even lost their fear. Without fear standing in their way they went on to achieve success in a way that they had never even dreamed possible. And in this case they followed the sage advice of Bill Cosby… Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
We had a client who was in a job she hated for some years but it was a great paycheck but she was on the road all the time and exhausted from long hours of peddling software. She was a single mother, with two kids in high school – one about to enter college, and she received no spousal support after her divorce at all. She really wanted to start her own consulting business, doing projects for many companies in her city that were using this software. She had a mortgage, a car note and the feeding and clothing of two teenage boys that was keeping her in a job that was robbing her soul. Fear of failure prevented her for stepping out on her own and creating her business. One winter she took a skiing vacation and ended up having a nasty accident that required surgery and reconstruction of her ankle. With her ability to travel being hindered she was not able to meet the requirements of the quota, so the company put her on probation. So now she was at the crossroads, not in that rock bottom place, but definitely in the place where she had to make a major choice. With the probation she had 60 days to turn everything around and make up for the business she lost due to her illness OR she could throw caution to the wind and start her consulting business. When a company puts you on probation you are essentially black balled and even if she had turned it around at the company, there was no guarantee they would not do that again. So essentially she had fear on both sides. After consulting with us she decided that it would put her in a greater place of power to start her consulting company by telling these people to take that job and shove it rather than try to fulfill the 60-day obligation, drive herself into the ground and still run the risk of being terminated. In this case, fear worked in her favor, but she also made the choice to step out of the fear-based mentality and embrace a new beginning with her own business. Today she still consults with us, is happy and successful and loves what she is doing.
So how exactly does one defeat fear? Of course it wont magically happen overnight by the waving of a magic wand. Like anything else worthwhile it will be a process. The first step is of course to recognize that you are operating from a place of fear and that your negative emotions are attached to fear. For example, if you fear that your love interest will abandon you, rather than create the self fulfilling prophecy by creating behaviors that will sabotage that relationship, identify what is making you feel threatened. Was it a past relationship? Has everyone you have ever been involved with broken up with you, so this is what you expect from anyone you go out with.
The first step to overcoming the abandonment fear is to recognize that not everyone you date is your ex. It is a baby step but it is a step. In relationships, like everything else, some element of risk is involved. You have to take the right risks though. You may feel as though all the chances you have taken had bad results and may feel you no longer want to take any chances. But look at the chances you did take? Was it reasonable for you to expect a great outcome? If a man is a known womanizer don’t take a risk on him, but take the risk from a man with a better reputation. Minimizing risk can result in better outcomes when you do take chances. Knowing you are making better choices can help minimize your fears.